Most Important Poll in Your Life.....Help!?

How can I smuggle Feces in a Pickle Jar throught the airport. I know they aren't alowed on planes because sanitory conditions, but I need something to snack on. B.T.W its my own Feces so I don't get salamanali I covered them in spaghetti sauce. Can I convince the plane its home made meatballs (they were 3 days ago) and I don't want the person next to me asking any questions. Like "watcha eating on, playboy. It stanks. Get it away from me."(this has happened in the past. Sergeant Gutter and his Doo-Doo Bandints are gaurding the bathrooms, so I can't make a snack on the plane. This is serious give me real answers. Or ill Chris Brown you with my dirty,dirty,filthy,stank fingers.